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Monday Mornings joke
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Mr Cool

Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 703
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2021 11:59 am    Post subject:

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge bloke about 2 metres tall and 150 kilos, we know him as Carps.
He's having a few beers when Rayvyn walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers Rayvyn finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big fella.
Leaning over towards Carps he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this Carps leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks Rayvyn in the mouth, knocking him swiftly off the stool.
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say to you?"
I'm not sure", Carps replies, "something about a job"
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Mr Cool

Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 703
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2021 12:03 pm    Post subject:

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fianceť is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and wired it altogether in an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE."
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Joined: 02 Apr 2021
Posts: 754
Location: Melbourne

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2021 12:21 pm    Post subject:

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting
for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the

height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could
not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached
behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.

And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her
disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a
coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to
give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up
easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well,
she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How
dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."
Flatheads Forever!
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Joined: 02 Apr 2021
Posts: 754
Location: Melbourne

Posted: Wed Mar 31, 2021 7:16 am    Post subject:

oldie but a goodie

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates
4.2,which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with
several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and
6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware
program,Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in
system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at
> > same
> > > time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
> > > other,
> >
> > > they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to
> > > 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded
> > > further
> >
> > > to Wife 1.0.
> > >
> > >
> > > While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it
> > > come
> >
> > > bundled with extras and Cleanhouse 2002.
> > >
> > >
> > > Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can
> > very
> > > unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
> > > stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then
> > > resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
> > >
> > >
> > > Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail
> > and
> > > can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
> > > products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the
> > problem
> > > is.
> > >
> > >
> > > Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
> > > requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
> > > which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also
> > > unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These
> > with
> > > some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they
> > an
> > > illegal operation.
> > >
> > >
> > > Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it
> > often
> > > crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up
> > > Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been
> >
> > > to
> >
> > > install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of
> > has
> > > alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003,
> > > tends
> >
> > > to delete all of your Money files before un-installing itself.
> > >
> > >
> > > What do I do?
> >
Flatheads Forever!
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Joined: 02 Apr 2021
Posts: 754
Location: Melbourne

Posted: Wed Apr 07, 2021 12:07 pm    Post subject:

> > > > >Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one

> > > > >black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery

> > > > >when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to

> > > > >the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

> > > > >

> > > > >The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything--

> > > > >the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw

> > > > >was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

> > > > >

> > > > >The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

> > > > >

> > > > >"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab.

> > > > >"They reckon it'll calm me down."

> > > > >

> > > > >The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why

> > > > >are you here?"

> > > > >

> > > > >The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig

> > > > >up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm

> > > > >inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last

> > > > >night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

> > > > >

> > > > >"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

> > > > >

> > > > >"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab

> > > > >said.

> > > > >

> > > > >The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why

> > > > >are you here?"

> > > > >

> > > > >"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a

> > > > >pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump

> > > > >everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the

> > > > >shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just

> > > > >couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping

> > > > >away."

> > > > >

> > > > >The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

> > > > >"So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

> > > > >

> > > > >The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Flatheads Forever!
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Mr Cool

Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 703
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2021 1:08 pm    Post subject:

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 NZ men and 1 NZ woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together as a threesome and having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule when they alternate with the German woman who has twisted some palm fronds into strands for making ropes and whips.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning, cooking and ironing for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless shark infested ocean and then a look at the Polish woman.......and started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and have each set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is an alternative because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey but they know they are happy that the English aren't getting any.
The two Australian men got drunk and beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who in turn, is checking out all the other men.
Both NewZealand men have disregarded the New Zealander woman and are searching the island for sheep
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Mr Cool

Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 703
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Fri Apr 16, 2021 11:53 am    Post subject:

Got this gem in my email this morning

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Joined: 12 Jan 2021
Posts: 28
Location: UNKNOWN

Posted: Fri Apr 16, 2021 10:24 pm    Post subject: NAPSTER JOKE

I download a song from Napster ,and the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done,
I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"

"getting my song back fu(ker"

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Mr Cool

Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 703
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 9:57 am    Post subject:

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.
I've found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true.
I'm at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the
school's report card that's in my desk drawer..........
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Joined: 02 Apr 2021
Posts: 754
Location: Melbourne

Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2021 6:47 am    Post subject:

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

>She tells the mechanic it died.

>After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

>She says, "What's the story?"

>He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

>She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Flatheads Forever!
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Joined: 02 Apr 2021
Posts: 754
Location: Melbourne

Posted: Tue Apr 27, 2021 7:44 am    Post subject:


> To be shoire, to be shoire......
> >
> >
> >>
> > > Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
> > > When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'
> > mate,
> > > how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
> > > Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig,
> > and
> > ten
> > > we can tell them apart."
> > > "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
> > >
> > > This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed
> > into
> > the
> > > house.
> > > "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin
> > Pig.
> > Now
> > > we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who
> > owns
> > > which fookin pig.?"
> > >
> > > "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten
> > we'll
> > > ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
> > > "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
> > >
> > > Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy
> > again
> > > stormed into the house.
> > > "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa m! y
> > fookin
> > > pig!!!. Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we
> > gonna
> > > tell who owns which fookin pig?"
> > >
> > > "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do.
> > I'll
> > > cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no
> > fookin
> > > ears and only one fookin tail."
> > > "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
> > >
> > > Another couple of weeks went by guessed it, Paddy
> > stormed
> > > into the house once more.
> > OFFA
> > 'EM
> > > APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
> > >
> > > "Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and
> > I'll
> > > have the white one
> >
Flatheads Forever!
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Just Idling

Joined: 11 Nov 2020
Posts: 173
Location: Sydney

Posted: Tue Apr 27, 2021 2:40 pm    Post subject:

Couldnt be bothered reading 18 pages of thread to see if this is a repeat...

One day there was a hippie who got on a bus.
The bus was very crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun.
He was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.
After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun "Will you have sex with me?"
The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she got off.
The man was very disappointed and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop.
Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided to help him out.
He said to the young man, "I know that nun.
Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the grave of her friend.

If you go there and pretend that you are Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you."
This gave the hippie great hope.
That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun.

As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun "I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?"
Now, of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed.
"I just have one request," said the nun, "it has to be anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood."

The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex.

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to reveal his identity to the nun.
He took off his robe, revealing a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces.

"HA HA!! I'm not Jesus, I'm the hippie!" He exclaimed.

Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit, revealing a gray shirt and gray pants.

Laughing, she yelled "HA HA! I'm not really a nun,

I'm a bus driver!"
paint chips add character
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Posted: Sat May 01, 2021 5:14 am    Post subject:

O.k here is what you all have to do, go to, type in Weapons of mass destruction, click the "i'm feeling lucky" button. Then get the stapler ready, because your sides will split.
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Mr Cool

Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 703
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Sat May 08, 2021 4:48 pm    Post subject:

Heres a beauty I heard last night, hope I didnt spoil it by putting the accents........

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
The German replies angrily " You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
"Sorry" respondes the Italian, "He canta comea ... He'sa buzy with a two guys in a Fiat Uno."
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Joined: 04 Feb 2021
Posts: 504
Location: The Shire, Sydney

Posted: Sun May 09, 2021 12:01 pm    Post subject:

A mate of mine told me this one yesterday.

A famous actress secretly books into a hospital for some cosmetic surgery.
She is embarrassed by her rather large labia and wants them reduced.
She tells the doctor and his staff not to tell anyone about her operation, as the publicity would ruin her career.
After the operation she wakes to find three bunches of roses sitting on her bedside table.
I didnít want anyone to know Iím here, she screams at the doctor.
Believe me, nobody but us knows youíre here, he says.
Then who sent me these roses?
Well, he says, the first bunch is from me cause Iíve always admired you as an actress.
The second bunch is from one of my nurses who has had a similar operation and thinks youíre very brave.
And the third bunch is from a guy upstairs in the burns ward who just wanted to say thanks for the new ears.
Bye for now..........
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