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Monday Mornings joke
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gregwapling
Site Admin


Joined: 10 Jun 2021
Posts: 389
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2020 9:38 am    Post subject: Once upon a time, in a cyberspace far, far, away.........

This bloke has this really good hot rod website,
And decides to move the whole fuckin' lot to a new server.

It will give him a whole lot more functionality, better stastics reporting everything he ever wanted,
you beauty he says.

Well everythings going reasonably well until he gets to the forum database,
and he runs into a whole mess of trouble.

Countless emails back and forth to his host administrator trying to work out whats wrong.
Is it FTP? File permissions? Corupted files?

Then there's all the emails form the members of the forum,
all strung out 'cause their not getting their daily fix.

And the moral to this little story?
Don't fuck with it!
_________________
Yours in Rodding
Greg Wapling
The years have been kind to me, it's just the weekends that have done the damage.
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Mr Cool
700RPM



Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 785
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2020 4:55 pm    Post subject:

Sounds like a real gag Greg..... not!

Anyway, in Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a flamin' wal!."
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Mr Cool
700RPM



Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 785
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2020 4:57 pm    Post subject:

Got this gem in my email, had to share it round.

Did you ever wonder why people are gun shy about going to the hospital.
Here are a few examples of communications. For all of you Drs. and nurses, I hope some of these aren't your's!!!!!

Actual writings on charts in a Hospital

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two adult children, but no other abnormalities.
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bcal
600RPM



Joined: 04 Feb 2021
Posts: 644
Location: The Shire, Sydney

Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2020 6:16 pm    Post subject:

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a
nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he
notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier
the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in
the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many
of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the
man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy
goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and
promptly tells his mother... "Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks,
the dumber he gets."
_________________
Bye for now..........
Brett.
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TJ'S Dad
200rpm



Joined: 28 May 2021
Posts: 204
Location: AMPHITHEATRE. VIC

Posted: Wed Jul 14, 2020 9:58 am    Post subject:

A horse and a chicken lived on a farm and were best mates .... one day while playing the horse fell in a bog .
he whinned to the chicken to summon help ....
the chicken raced off to find the farmer ... but he was nowhere to be found as he was in town on the only tractor .

the chicken spied the farmers A Roadster in the shed .. with keys in the ignition .
he jumped in and fired the beast into action ..wheels spinning he raced back to the bog .. threw a rope to the horse.. tied one end to the bumper and slowly pulled the horse out ..
with the rod safely back in the shed the farmer was none the wiser !

after saving the horses life they were now mates for life .

a few weeks later at the same bog .. the chicken fell in ... squawking out to the horse for help ..
the horse thought for a moment .. then walked over to the bog .. straddled it and said ... grab hold of that long hangin thing and i'll pull u out ..
he did and that cemented a life long friendship .

NOW THE MORAL TO THE STORY>




When ur hung like a horse ... u dont need a Hot Rod to pull chicks !!
_________________
I'd rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotamy !


Mike
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Flatoz
800RPM



Joined: 02 Apr 2021
Posts: 823
Location: Melbourne

Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2020 10:32 pm    Post subject:

why do Queerslanders call their beer XXXX



they cant spell beer

boom boom
_________________
Flatheads Forever!
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johnno402002
Rookie


Joined: 28 Jul 2020
Posts: 56
Location: wallsend

Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2020 7:05 pm    Post subject:

DAVE'S NIGHT OUT



Dave works hard at the Plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.



His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his Birthday she takes him to a local Strip Club.



The Doorman at the Club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this Club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my basketball team."



When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a VB.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink VB?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."



A Stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says: "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?"



Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the Club.



Dave follows and spots her getting into a Cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.



She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.



The Cabby turns his head and says,"Jeez Dave, you picked up a real Bitch tonight."
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Mr Cool
700RPM



Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 785
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2020 3:47 pm    Post subject:

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh.
He had seen weirder, so he didn't think too much about it.
Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh.
After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her, "Why the turkey and Santa?"
She replied, "I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
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bucketmouth
Rookie


Joined: 26 Mar 2021
Posts: 73

Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2020 12:31 am    Post subject:

While not a joke I read this in the paper this morning.
Two ground keepers at a English cricket club set some garden rubbish on fire. A rabbit that was under the rubbish hopped out of the fire with its tail alight. The rabbit ran under the club house and the rest is history.
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Mr Cool
700RPM



Joined: 27 Sep 2020
Posts: 785
Location: Bacchus Marsh

Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2020 10:17 am    Post subject:

bucketmouth wrote:
While not a joke I read this in the paper this morning.
Two ground keepers at a English cricket club set some garden rubbish on fire. A rabbit that was under the rubbish hopped out of the fire with its tail alight. The rabbit ran under the club house and the rest is history.

Heard a similar story a while back where some idiots strapped a stick of dynamite to a rabbit and it ran under their car..........
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32coupe
Rookie


Joined: 04 Aug 2020
Posts: 14
Location: Canberra

Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2020 3:44 pm    Post subject:

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of bourbon," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
_________________
where are my car keys?
I put them down somewhere.
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32coupe
Rookie


Joined: 04 Aug 2020
Posts: 14
Location: Canberra

Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2020 3:46 pm    Post subject:

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating Ireland’s draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight,
Paddy”

Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

“Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. “Shoite, Shoite!”

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.

He falls flat on his face.

“Bi’Jesus... I’m fockin’ focked,” he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can make it to the bed.”

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Fock it” and falls into bed.

The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”.

Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fockin’ p*ssed. But how’d you know?”

“Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub.”
_________________
where are my car keys?
I put them down somewhere.
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32coupe
Rookie


Joined: 04 Aug 2020
Posts: 14
Location: Canberra

Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2020 3:47 pm    Post subject:

NEWS FLASH:

A scientist from Southampton University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the
nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was
taken outside by a large group of men where they proceeded to
kick the shit out of him.
_________________
where are my car keys?
I put them down somewhere.
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JIMBOB
200rpm



Joined: 11 May 2021
Posts: 227
Location: Canberra

Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2020 7:07 pm    Post subject:

How do you catch a bra?



Set a booby trap
_________________
Support your local Omen
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JIMBOB
200rpm



Joined: 11 May 2021
Posts: 227
Location: Canberra

Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2020 7:12 pm    Post subject:

What do you call a doll with two sausages on its head?

Barbie
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Support your local Omen
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